The loss of a twin. The rollercoaster of emotions.

Twin loss

(Please note:  This story is about the loss of a twin)

Author: Danielle Lyne

3 years after our triplets I really wanted another baby. Partner not so much but he agreed.  It took us a long time to fall pregnant. Finally we got that positive test I had waited so long to see. At the first ob appointment and we found out it was twins. Twins after triplets I thought I’ve got this.

We then found out at 15 weeks both were GIRLS!

I was over the moon.  Our 19 week growth scan both babies are still girls (ha ha) and growing perfectly.  The 22 week ob appointment everything was going well. Both babies heartbeats on the doppler were great. At our 24 week appointment I mentioned that baby B wasn’t moving like baby A, but I wasn’t too concerned as I could get a good reading on my Home Doppler.  The Midwife checked and she found B’s heartbeat too. We went in to see my ob and I got up on the chair for an ultrasound….my world fell apart.

Baby B had no heartbeat.

It was an echo of her sisters heartbeat we had heard moments before. I can’t tell you the pain I felt that day. The thoughts running through my head. How was I going to get through this? What am I supposed to tell the kids, family, friends? My partner was at work an hour away and it was the only appointment I had gone to by myself. My obstetrician cried with me. We have quite a long history as he had looked after me through all my pregnancies. I gathered my thoughts and drove home.

The next couple of weeks were a blur.

I was on auto pilot and just tried to process everything. One of the hardest things I had to do was tell the kids. The girls understood but the boys only being 3 didn’t grasp it. Even the day we brought Jordie home, they still asked us when Mika was coming home.

Day of induction arrived at 37 weeks. How could I possible give birth to 2 babies but say goodbye to one of them? The loss of a twin is something I would never want anyone to suffer through.  I wasn’t far off starting to push and my mum, dad and partner had all ran out to move their cars (don’t get me started on hospital parking!!!!).  Suddenly my midwife couldn’t find my Twin A’s heartbeat!  I saw the look on her face as she pressed the emergency button and people came from everywhere. Safe to say I was a complete mess. Please no don’t do this I said. They got an ultrasound machine in and thankfully found it.

Let get these babies out.

Our surviving princess was finally born. She was heaven! It was now time to push baby B out. As she had passed some time before birth she was tiny. Once out, they wrapped her in a blanket and took her out of the room to dress and take photos.  The said when I was ready would bring her back in. As I looked at my living baby my heart was so in love but also so shattered at the same time. The loss of a twin is so unfair.

In my room the next day I had so many people visit from the hospital. I had to sign forms for Jordie and Mika to register their birth but also had to sign forms for Mikas cremation. To say I was a mess was an understatement.

Loss of a twin

(Jordie is holding the bear that contains Mika’s ashes)

The loss of a twin

The emotions that day were like a roller coaster . It didn’t and still doesn’t seem fair that this happened. The loss of a twin is so hard. I’m so incredibly grateful that I have a beautiful daughter but I feel so let down by my body for failing me. I often wonder if Jordie knows she has a twin sister. Will she always know there is a part of her missing? I often look at Jordie and wonder what it would be like if both my girls here….something I will forever wonder I think. It’s not something you forget or get over. The hurt and broken heart is always there, you just learn to live with it.

Twinless Twin

Just a side note I wanted to add. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been out with my kids and someone starts asking about the boys and then makes the remark if I bet you were glad when she (pointing at Jordie) was only one baby. It shatters my heart every. single.time. I always say well actually she has a twin sister who passed away at 24 weeks and walk away. Please think before making ‘funny’ comments to people.

Note from Twinfo:  You can read Danielle’s amazing triplet natural birth story HERE

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