So many parents of twins or other multiples face a low sex drive after twins or multiples are born. Unfortunately, it can become almost the norm – it is probably rarer to find parents of newborn twins engaging in regular nookie!
If you are experiencing a low sex drive after twins, then I have some good news for you. It is very unlikely to be caused by anything serious, and with almost all couples who go through this, it will pass.
Just knowing that it is normal can make it a little easier to face
It can be incredibly frustrating for couples of newborns to try and get some adult time happening.
After a woman gives birth, it’s generally recommended that she not have intercourse for around six weeks to give her body time to heal. Many women, even if their lady-parts are feeling ok, will still appreciate the six weeks off from sex because they are pretty exhausted and can be overwhelmed right now.
But most of us would like to get back some intimacy with our partners at some stage, right? Many mothers of twins and multiples can still be reluctant to have sex after 6 months, a year, and even longer after their babies were born.
Some women have no desire, but still feel very much attracted to their partner, and want to ‘want it’.
For many couples, regular intimacy is a way of connecting beyond communication, that reminds you that you are still one being, one team. So, even though this mother wishes she had back her old libido and could connect with her partner on that level again, physically her body is not coming to the party.
Why is a low sex drive after twins or multiples so common?
There are a number of reasons why lack of intimacy after twins is experienced by so many new parents. Fortunately, this problem is rarely a sign of something more serious, and some simple changes can help. You might just need to ride it out or try to make time together to get a bit more in the mood.
You probably don’t need to be told that you are exhausted. You are the one living it every day – and all through every night – so you know that you are tired. Lack of sleep not only takes its toll on you physically, it is draining mentally and emotionally, leaving you with not much left to function with.
Any spare time you get is likely to be spent sleeping or perhaps showering, not so much getting jiggy with it.
When you are tired your natural desire and arousal levels are much lower – giving you a far lower starting point than you would have normally.
For some sleep tips from one of our Expert Sleep Consultants please click HERE.
Never having your body to yourself
This reason is terribly common. Your body has belonged to your babies for so long, and if you are breastfeeding it still kind of does. The last thing you may feel like when your partner comes home is to be touched by anyone else. Being the mum of newborns drains you in so many ways that you might just not have anything left to give to someone else.
Hormonal and body changes
In the months after giving birth, and especially if you are breastfeeding, your hormones will be all over the place. Your body has been through a lot. And is still going through a lot. It is normal that it doesn’t want to do what it used to.
If you are breastfeeding, your body is producing prolactin. This helps you to lactate, but lowers your libido at the same time. Additionally, if you are not ovulating again yet your body is not producing as much estrogen, then your sex drive will be low as well.
You may be self-conscious about your figure as well, and not want to be naked in front of your partner. All of this is completely normal.
Post Natal Depression
The number of mothers who suffer from PND after having twins or other multiples is higher than for mums of single births (and that is already quite high).
If you are experiencing any of the other following symptoms as well as low sex drive, then you might be suffering from PND.
- Feeling constantly sad, low or crying for no reason
- Losing your sense of enjoyment in anything you used to like
- Sleeping too much or too little
- Withdrawing from friends and family
- Having trouble concentrating or remembering
- Feeling no connection or bond with your babies
- Having thoughts of harming your babies
- Having thoughts of death or suicide
Even if you don’t feel like you have depression, you could be suffering from baby blues. These are a giant combination of lack of sleep, food, sunshine, adult contact, fun, recognition and any concept of what you are doing.
When should you be worried?
Make sure that you talk to your doctor if it has been longer than six months after having your babies and your sexual desire is still nowhere to be seen. This doesn’t mean that there is anything medically wrong, but you should rule this out. Your doctor may also have some tips to help things along.
If you feel that you might have other symptoms of PND as well as low libido, then definitely see your doctor as soon you as can.
Low sex drive after twins: some tips that might help
Talk to your partner
Set time aside to just talk to your partner about how you are both feeling. Do this when you are both in a reasonable mood, not when you are grumpy about anything else. Make sure that you tell them what you need, including telling you that you are attractive and they still love you.
Try to raise your energy levels
Now you know you probably need some sleep. But you also might find some help in other things that can give you a healthy energy boost as well. Try to get some sunshine on your skin every day. If you can go for a walk with your babies.
Make sure that you are eating well, especially if you are breastfeeding. Lots of fruits and vegetables, healthy proteins and whole grains. There may be some vitamin supplements that can help too.
Intimacy in other ways
Try to just be intimate in other ways, such as cuddling, kissing, stroking, or giving each other massages.
Have a regular date night, even if it is at home. Light candles, eat some yummy takeaway and ban all screens for a little while. Pretend you are getting to know each other all over again and ask questions you have never asked before. Essentially you are different people to who you were when you first met, so there are probably new things to learn.
If you do try to have sex, use a lubricant to help make things easier.
What if only one partner suffers from low sex drive after twins or multiples were born?
This is a very common situation and is very hard from both points of view. Sexual intimacy is not the same unless both partners are in the same mood. So just going through the motions to please your partner may not be any kind of solution.
If you have low sex drive you probably completely understand your partner’s desire to have it. You would love to please them, but just can’t make your own desire happen. You could even be adding an extra level of guilt and stress onto yourself for not being interested in sex.
Feeling like crap and not wanting to have sex is completely understandable. The important things are to know that you are normal, make sure that you to talk to someone about it. Whether it is a friend, your GP, your mum’s group or your partner.
Remember, having one baby is hard work, having 2, 3 or 4 multiplies that exponentially. Regardless of what is happening for you at this point I your life, I’m sure you are doing a great job!!
You’ve got this!!!
Passionate about all things multiple, Naomi is the founder of Twinfo.
Naomi is a Parenting Blogger and a Brand Ambassador, but most important of all she is a twin mother who understands.
Twinfo provides a connection to resources, information, products and service providers who specialise in supporting multiple births at every stage of their life.