A lot of things change after starting a family. Sadly one common and unexpected change is losing friends after having twins or triplets.
Things that change after having twins or triplets
Of course you realise that things will change once your multiples are born. Your day-to-day routines will change. Your career may be put on hold so that you can continue to care for your babies at home. Let’s not even mention the changes in your body! And even your relationship with your partner will change. But loosing friends is often not something that crosses peoples minds.
Losing friends after having twins or triplets
A lot of people do notice that after giving birth to twins or triplets that their friendships tend to change. And at times, they will lose friendships that they had before falling pregnant.
Loosing friends after twins or triplets arrive is not something that anyone wants to happen. However there are a number of reasons that your friendships may be affected after giving birth and it can result in the loss of some of these friendships.
Priorities change
One of the most common reasons that you may lose friends after giving birth to your multiples is due to a shift in your priorities and what matters most to you.
It could be that you are going from being the friend that is out every weekend with the group, dancing and drinking the night away. And once you are home with your new babies, this is not something that you will be able to keep up with.
Your priorities change and spending time with your babies becomes your main priority. Plus lets not forget that looking after twins takes approximately 19 hours a day! Things like weekend sport may not always be possible, as all hands on deck may be required at home.
This can upset your friends and if they do not have families of their own yet it can cause them to become frustrated and the friendship may drift apart.
Understanding your emotions
For those who do not have children yet or may only have one child, they simply may not be able to understand how you are feeling.
If you are struggling with getting a routine in place or are having sleepless nights it can cause tension not only for you but for those around you.
They may not understand what you are going through, the hormone changes and the feelings that are coming up for you as a new mum.
It can cause friendships to drift apart as both sides are unable to communicate their feelings and rather than getting upset or frustrated at each other, they simply pull away.
Expectations can lead to losing friends after having twins or triplets
Sometimes peoples expectations can cause friendships to break down. And these expectations can come from both sides.
For a multiple birth family it may not physically possible to attend a catch up at the local swimming pool due to the fact you simply can not safely manage multiple toddlers on your own. You may expect your friends to realise that. But unless they have multiples themselves, they may not.
It is very exciting to share with friends and family that you are pregnant with twins or triplets. And they all promise excitedly to help with anything. However, when the babies arrive, it can sometimes be a different story. And resentment may grow. From both sides of the friendship.
Jealousy
Another reason that friendships may break up after the birth of your babies could be due to jealousy.
The jealousy can come from both sides. It could be that your friends are trying to have a baby and start a family but are struggling to do so. Or it could be that you are jealous of the lifestyle that they are still able to live, carefree without having to worry about all the extra tasks you now have on your plate.
It isn’t about not being happy with your own life, or them not being happy with their own life – but more about what you or they may feel like they are missing out on.
Different lifestyles
A lot of the time if you are one of the first (or last!) in your group of friends to start a family and begin having babies it can cause friendships to dwindle away. As the others in your group may not be at that point of their lives yet and not want to be consumed with the idea of motherhood just yet.
If your lifestyles are now completely different from each other, it can be difficult to find ways to keep in touch, common ground to talk about and common interests to keep you seeing each other.
It could be that you are no longer interested in going out to concerts and drinking all night, or they may not be interested in seeing all your baby photos and talking about the bowel movements of your babies (which is intriguingly a common topic amongst mothers).
At the end of the day, those who are your true friends and want to share this experience with you, will be there for you.
Finding friends after having twins or triplets
Starting a family also gives you an opportunity to grow and find a new network of friends as well.
It is not always a bad thing when a friendship ends – it could be the start of something new and exciting.
There are many mothers groups, play groups and support groups out there for new mothers and it is a perfect place to start growing new friendships with those who have common interests and similar lifestyles to you.
Make sure you find out if there is a local multiple birth playgroup nearby. Or connect online with multiple birth sires such as Twinfo. Connections with other families who are experiencing the same things as you are invaluable, and you may find just a whole new circle of friends.